Dark

So, i'm in this, and have been in a while.

This pit of deep darkness in my mind. I cannot get happy. I cannot feel set free by Christ. I cannot just let go and let God.

I have been on my knees day and night pleading and petitioning God to free me from these dark thoughts. I know that I am nothing on my own, and that I need God more than ever right now. It is such an ugly place, and I don't know how I got here. I remember just weeks ago when I would rejoice in God's creation and splendor, and the victories he'd give me in classes, the baseball field, and just overall.

He has provided so much for me, i have the "charmed life" that most dream of. Yet, i feel so destitute. In my life, in the past 3 years, i have prayed "the prayer" probably 100 times. Usually I get spiritual renewal, but right now, I feel so captive. What does this mean? What should I do? Where should I go?

I want to be used by Christ, to be sold out completely. I am definitely no longer subject to any other thing on this earth. Christ is life. God is good. He is also righteous and just. He is also loving and forgiving.

Was the period of time I was happy before this in coorelation to being oblivious to the people everyday who needed God around me? Was it just pure selfish ambition? I think that definitely has to play a role.

I just feel so alone inside, not on the outside. I have had so many friends talk, pray, and encourage me along the way.

I guess for so long I trusted Christ, yet didn't rely completely on him. Man, if it is one thing that I have gotten out of this deal, it is reliance upon God. I can't be saved by any man, anything a man has said, only God and his Holy Word and Spirit. There is nothing any of us can do to inherit the Kingdom of God, only what God does for us.

I want to bear good fruit only, and further His Kingdom. I'm so sick and tired of myself. I don't want myself anymore. I truly know now what it means to not be friends with this world. I think for the longest time, I was friends with the world. No longer.

"I need you Jesus, to come to my rescue,
Where else can I go?
There's no other name by which I am saved!
Capture me with your Grace, I will follow You!

This world has nothing for me, it can offer me nothing that lasts, nothing but what withers and fades. It only offers me disappointment and hardship.

With God all things are possible, it's time to put all my trust in Him!

Pray for me, pray for all of those who don't know Him! Right now, not later!